Bukhari Explains: Why We Fall In Love

I used to believe that the reason we fall in love with a person is solely because of who that person is. Meaning that our love is fully dependent on their personality, their mentality, their humor or how they look like.

But if there's anything I learn being in my 20's is that we also love people because of who WE are. It is also dependent on OUR personality, OUR mentality, OUR humor and OUR self-image. 

You see, I think we accept the love we think we deserve. We are attracted to those that we feel are compatible with us. We fall in love with people that fit in with our personality, that challenge our minds, make us laugh and make us want to be better versions of ourselves.

We don't only love them, we also love the things they do to us. Like how they make us change the way we view the world, the way they make us believe in our own dreams and the way they make it seem that the world isn't such a bad place after all.

We love them, but perhaps more than that, we love their effect on us.

Which is why sometimes, when you stop loving people, you can look back and think, "What the hell was I thinking the whole time?" It's not because they've changed, it's because YOU have changed. They can no longer fit into your life. You, discovering new things about yourself, sometimes means realizing that the new-you deserves more than what the old-them can give.

The people we are in love with and the friends that we have, are all reflections of ourselves. The people we love, in some ways, define ourselves.

Therefore, we love because we are capable of loving, not just because they are lovable. So the only way to fall in love with the right person is to first be the right person. Change how you view yourself and you'll start seeing that you will be attracted to people who are worth being attracted to. ;)

Bukhari Explains: Growing Apart

One of the hardest thing you have to learn all on your own is that people grow apart. And sometimes, not always, that means separation. 

No matter how close you were with someone, someday you wake up and you realize that you haven't talked to them in months. You haven't texted them in weeks. And you haven't thought about them in days. 

You guys are still best friends. They still mean a lot to you. But you grew apart.

You love them. You care a lot about them. Your feelings towards them haven't and will never change. You wouldn't hesitate to be the shoulder for them to cry on whenever they need it. You would still die for them.

But you grew apart. 

Because as we get older, we change. We learn new things. We change our ideals. We change the way we view the world. We change the way we carry ourselves.

And they change, too. 

And unfortunately, sometimes changing means that you are no longer walking on the same road. 

We meet new people and we love new people.

And they learn new things and they discover new places.

And when you do meet with each other, it's as if you've never stopped talking in the first place. You reminisce the times you used to have. And wishing you can go back to the way things were. 

But you've grown apart. Somehow they no longer fit with your puzzle pieces like how they used to. 

And eventually you will say your goodbyes and you will tell them to take care. And you make them promise to call you whenever they need you for anything.

You love them and they love you.

But you just simply... grew apart.

Bukhari Explains: Why We Don't Always Wanna Talk About It

Everyone is fighting battles that no one else knows about. Our silent struggles. Our secret battle wounds. Our hidden scars.


We can talk about it. We can tell our friends. We can ask our family for help.

But we don't. Not always. Not even when they offer their help.

Because despite of everything, you know once they get into the same battle as you are in, they will get hurt. Maybe not as much, but maybe even more.

Our struggles will be their struggles.

Our battle wounds will be their battle wounds.

And our scars will be their scars.

And we love them too much to not let that happen.

We love them too much.

It doesn't make sense. I know. 

I am not saying you shouldn't talk to people about it. I am not discouraging you to tell people about your problems. 

I am just saying that, I understand if you won't. It's not that you don't trust people. It's not that you are being stubborn, antisocial and wanting to be independent. 

It's you, in your own ridiculous way, of protecting the people that you care about. 

How Do I Know?

*wipes off dust and cobwebs*

This post has been in the draft section since last year. Which is really just last week. Haha. I don't know why I didn't post this then. Well I'm posting it now.

I think it's cute when my friends ask me for relationship advices. I am that friend that is single but thinks he is emotionally capable of understanding what it's like to be in a relationship. Mostly I give clichés like, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be" or "Please stop asking me questions, I have to learn about Trichomonas vaginalis."

But the other day I was talking to my friend and it goes something like this:

"Hey, how do I know if he's the one?" She asked.

"Why can't we ever have a normal conversation?" 

"C'mon! I'm serious. How do I know? I really don't want to commit unless I am sure about it. The last time I did, I got hurt real bad."

"I know. I was there." I said.

"So you know how important it is for me to know whether this guy is the right one."

I sighed and I paused for a while. 

"Do you have a pen and a piece of paper with you?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Okay. I want you to write down 10 things that you are most insecure about yourself. The things you don't like about yourself. The things that you wish you can change but you can't. The things that you wish you never had. Or the things that people always tease you about. The things that haunt you. The things that keep you awake at night."

"Um.. okay."

I waited for her to list them down. It didn't take her long.

"Okay I got them," she said.

"Okay. That's NOT a list of the things you should change. Or a list of your weaknesses. That's a checklist. How you know if he's the one? If he loves everything about you, including those 10 things in your list. Someone who thinks you're not less than perfect. Someone who celebrates you for that 10 things. Someone that understand that those 10 things don't define you but they are still a part of you. He is the one, if he makes you kinda glad that you have those 10 things."

"But how do I know whether he loves these 10 things?"

"If he is the one, he will make sure you know."

"I'm just scared. What if this one doesn't work out?"

"Look, sometimes you gotta stop asking yourself 'what if it doesn't work out' ...

and start asking yourself...

what if it does?"

Of Sertraline and Serenity

One part that I find to be the hardest when it comes to blogging is to come up with a really good intro. I really feel like the hardest part is to start. The introduction has to be interesting because... I am not good looking enough for you to keep reading this if it's not. Hahaha.

And I do understand that lately I've been writing on things that are... well... unhappy. And it confuses people. Because when they see me or when they talk to me, I am probably one of the happiest people they know. I can make them laugh till they feel a six-pack coming. (really I make such a good workout who needs gym heh?). I can make them smile even when they don't want to. So I understand how people can even ask me whether I was being real. Are all my laughters and smiles fake? 

The short answer would be, no. 

I wanna tell you guys something. Something that I've been meaning to write for months now. Things that definitely changed me. Things that still haunt me to this day. Things that make me realize that I cannot go back to the way things were.

It was about two months ago when I quit blogging. And I honestly thought I will never blog again. Not because I was tired of it, not because I hated it. But because I've stopped wanting to connect with people. 

I also deactivated my Twitter, Instagram and Keek. All because I was trying to cut myself off from the world. If they can't reach me, they can't help me. 

I had a mental breakdown. The worst I ever had. It was painful to even breathe, it was painful to live. I locked myself in the room for two days. I rejected phone calls and ignored messages. 

I have no explanation to why I did all those things. And I wish I can tell you what really happened but it involves so many people that I still care about, telling you guys would affect them, too. 

It is enough for you to know that when it happened, I stopped trying. I stopped praying, I stopped thanking Him for waking me up every day. Every morning I would sigh with regret wondering why I had to wake up for another day.

I was scared. Of what I was capable of. And I knew if it kept on going, I would lose it. 

So I called my parents, and I told them that I had to go back home. 

Only a handful of people knew I went back to Malaysia during a lecture week, and fewer people knew the reason why.

My depression didn't start two months ago. It started when I was 12. From my insecurities, to my family problems to me not being sure of who I was. It stemmed from me not knowing who I want to be, and from people telling me that I was doing it all wrong.

And because going back home, even though I was supposed to have class affected my attendance, I had to provide a medical certificate or else I would be barred from taking the Semester One exam.

And I didn't have any medical certificate to give.

And I told the Dean of why I actually went back. And she suggested that I go to a specialist, to get me certified for an actual clinical depression and to produce a legit medical certificate.

I was reluctant to go. I was scared. But I had to do it.

It was three days before my exams when I went to the hospital, alone. I was nervous. What if my friends from college see me? What if they started asking what was I doing in the Neuroscience department? What do I tell them? What will they assume?

After I have told the Doctor everything about my situation, he asked me what I wanted from him.

I told him all I wanted was the certificate. All I wanted was to be able to take the exam. I don't want any medication, I don't want any therapy. 

He understood. But he told me that they have amazing drugs that could help me overcome my depression. Drugs that can make me feel better. Drugs that can make all these, tolerable.

Sertraline.

I was scared to take it. What if I get dependent on it? What if I get addicted to it?

What if I can't live without it?

The doctor assured me that the chance of that happening is slim. The drug will be given in small doses, and limited to only 15 pills and I were to come back every 15 days to get new batches of those pills. This will control my intake, as well as to monitor my compliance. 

And above all, to make sure I don't abuse it.

But the idea of taking drugs absolutely terrified me. I feel crippled. Like when everyone else is capable of being happy by just thinking happy thoughts, I wasn't. 

I feel like an absolute fake because my happiness would be the result of a chemical reaction between my receptors and the drug. 

"Antidepressants don't cure depression. They manage it."

I understood that. 

But I went back home that day, with 15 Sertraline pills in my pocket.

***

That night, after dinner, I took one pill and put it in my hand. How does this actually work, I wondered. How can this tiny pill make me feel happy? 

I took a deep breath. Put the pill in my mouth and swallowed. 

I don't know what I expected. I was half-expecting to see unicorns suddenly jumping out of the walls and dance merrily around me. Or maybe suddenly the world is made of candies and diabetes is something that is fictional and I can eat all that I want. 

But it didn't feel that way. Instead, I feel numb. And it wasn't because of the drug. The effect will only start the next morning. So I realized, that I was numb because for the first time, I wasn't thinking of the things that made me sad. I wasn't thinking. Period. 

And being numb felt so good.

***

When I woke up the next day, I was sure that I feel no different. Was I overjoyed? No. Did I feel like dancing naked in the field? No. (Partly because that would get me arrested.) 

But I feel... okay. And 'okay' is a start. I hadn't felt okay in a long time. 

It wasn't until the third day of taking the drug that I realized I hadn't cried myself to sleep. I've stopped thinking about the things that make me sad. I could even smile without being sure the reason why. 

I felt... perhaps... happy.

And that kinda makes me feel sad. Because a small part of me wonders if I was being really happy. Was it the drugs? Or was it me? 

And what scares me was that I was starting to get slightly dependent on it.

Not addicted. Dependent.

I didn't take more than one pill per day. I don't feel like I NEED to take it. But I know that if I don't, I will have another breakdown. 

So that scared me. A lot. 

***

I was packing my bags for my 8-days trip to Kashmir when I realized that I only had 5 pills left. And I was to leave the next morning so it was impossible to go to the hospital to take more.

The very idea of not taking the drug was enough to make me feel sick. I was on the drug for 10 days then, and I forgot how it feels like to be sad. I was terrified of what will happen if I don't take it for a few days.

On the first day, at the airport, I didn't take the pill. I figured that the journey will take the whole day so even without the pill, that would keep me preoccupied and distracted.

And it did. I wasn't sad or depressed because I was too excited for the trip. So far, so good, I thought. 

But that night, when we arrived, I felt a sudden surge of emotion hitting me like a sumo-wrestler. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I knew I was having withdrawal symptoms. It's uncommon with Sertraline, most probably not due to the drugs, but because of my own negative thoughts.

I believed not taking the drugs would make me sad, so it did. 

But I told myself that I have to get through this. That I am stronger than I thought I was. 

That night, I slept, thankful that I survived the whole day without the drug. 

***

Kashmir was my drug. Turns out I didn't even have to take Sertraline because being in such beautiful places with amazing friends made me so happy, the happiest I've felt in years. 

Kashmir was exactly what I needed and Alhamdulilah, for the rest of the trip I was smiling.

***

So I've stopped taking the pill now. 

And I am sure you have a lot of questions in mind.

"Are you okay now? Are you happy?"

If happiness is defined as wanting to randomly sing Disney songs in the middle of the forest with squirrels and chipmunks, then no. 

But if happiness is defined as being thankful of all the things that I have, feeling loved by friends and family, and feeling that I am lucky to be where I am right now - then yes, I am happy.

"Are you still depressed?"

Depression is something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. It comes and goes. When it does come, it hits hard. But the good thing is, I become stronger each time. And I've stopped feeling sorry for myself. I started each day with a smile, and I end my days with thanking Him for all the good things that has happened to me.

"Why are you telling us this?"

Because I want you to know that that boy that made you smile today could be depressed. And it's okay. Depression is not the opposite of happiness. The human emotion is complex. Happiness is not the absence of sadness but it is the sense of gratitude and love of yourself and others.

When you can accept your own flaws, when you have forgiven those who have hurt you, when you can look into the mirror and like what you see, when you can be thankful for the things that you do have, when you feel loved by those who matter - then you are happy. Even if you're sad, you're still happy. Does that make sense?

I also want people to know that sometimes I won't be in a good mood. So please forgive me. I do try to smile to everyone, everyday. But sometimes I can't. I do hope people don't have this high expectation of me to be always happy. Sometimes I get down. But trust me, I will always get back up. I promise.

"Are you writing this to gain attention?"

The reason that I was so reluctant to write this in the first place is exactly because I was so scared that people might think that I am writing this to beg for sympathy or to appear like I am a victim and I should be respected for being a survivor blablabla.

I do want attention. But not for myself. I want to bring attention on depression itself. Often I hear people correlate depression with something that is negative. That everyone who admits that they are depressed are doing it for attention. When in fact, most of the time, they are actually asking for help.

Depression is common. The extend of depression varies from people to people. And while depression is manageable, unfortunately however, it is not fully treatable.

Depressed people are not always suicidal. We don't blame everything that has happened to other people or to God. We don't look at the glass half-empty.

We smile, we laugh and we are sincere about it.

One thing that being depressed has taught me is how to appreciate those small happy moments that life has given us. I learn how to let go of people who leave, and I learn to hold on to those who stay. 

I learn that families are not those who merely share the same DNA as you, but those who stayed when the situation gets difficult.  

I learn that I have a lot to be thankful of and that everyone has their own sets of challenges in life. 

I also learn that happiness is not the destination, it's the journey. Full with obstacles, detours, u-turns and forks. But it's how we walk through it, and who we walk through it - determines how happy we are.

I wish I can say that this post has a happy ending. I wish I can assure you that I will always be happy.

But that's not what life is all about, is it?

How can you appreciate joy if you've never experienced sorrow?

Am I happy?

Yes. Yes, I am. 

As always, Peace be upon you all. And thank you for reading this ridiculously long blog post. 

:)

Friends VS Boyfriends

I miss those days when people are not busy looking for a relationship. Seems like nowadays everywhere you turn you'll see new couples popping up like mushrooms. Hormones? Seasonal flu? Whatever it is, i seem to be immuned to it. 

At just a glance this tweet probably seems factual. That is, however, impossible to determine because there is no valid experiment to prove this theory and im pretty sure no valid statistic has taken place before this 'fact' came up.

But why the popular belief that people who are in a relationship tend to lose a friend a year?

Maybe because we all have lost a friend that way?

People change when they get into a relationship. No doubt. You are just not the same anymore when you've made that kind of commitment. And this change IS NOT BAD. In fact, i think it's mostly good. From my humble view, people who are in a relationship tend to become more matured, wise, loving and protective. They HAVE to change because suddenly, they don't just live for themselves anymore, but for somebody else. That kind of responsibility changes you.

So why the hate? Why do we, the single, left-out friends, moan and complain on how much our friends have changed and how much we miss the old them?

Because we're actually scared. Suddenly, we might not be the most important person in our friends' lives anymore. Suddenly we have to share. Suddenly, this newcomer steals the spotlight. Suddenly, there's competition.

We don't hate how our friends have changed, we're scared of how a relationship changes the dynamic of the friendship.

Bros before hoes? Great in theory, poor in practice.

In total honesty, I DON'T think that people who are in a relationship lose friends because they became overly occupied with their partners and started ignoring their friends.

I believe the real reason is that we, the friends, started ignoring them first.

We hated sooo much of the possibility that our friends might change - WE ourselves changed. We become bitter. We push away our friends and their partners because we're scared. We think that "Before they hurt me, I should retreat."

We ignore invites to go out because we hate being the third-wheel.

We dismiss an invitation to lunch because we gag every time we see them hold hands.

We don't pick up the phone call because we know, they're gonna talk about their partner and how amazing things are - when all u can think of is how much you don't wanna hear about it.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm not matured enough. I should get used to the fact that we're getting older, and finding partners is an important part of growing up. That wanting to find the missing piece of your heart is nature's way of showing that we're entering adulthood.

I just miss those days when you're "friends forever". But now it seems like you're "friends forever, at least until one of us gets married".

But hey, whatever happened to 'I'm happy when you're happy'? Aren't we supposed to be happy that our friends are happier that way? We should be. 

And we will. I'm in the process of accepting that maybe relationship isn't the enemy here, maybe it's me.

We shouldn't let our fear of losing the friendship change us in a way that we start building a wall between our friends and us. We should see that a relationship as an extension to our circle of friends, that our friend's partner is also a friend of ours. And if our friend loves him/her that much, maybe we should put in more effort to at least be happy for them.

I have no idea why I'm crapping about this at such hours. Sucks to be you for reading it till this far. Hahaha.

I promise I'll update more. Until later, then. 

XOXO

Little Miss Naughty

Dear Jasmine, 

I wish I could be there to send you off to Canada. You'll be leaving Malaysia tonight. And you won't come back for a long time. I won't get the chance to see you for one last time before you leave. But that's okay. 

Dear Jasmine,

Wanna know how much you affect me? Well, let's just put it this way - if we had never met, I wouldn't be me. I would be a panda. No... haha kidding. That was a joke. Everyone knows I would be a unicorn. A majestic unicorn with majestic rainbow tail. Ok, I should stop. People are getting jealous.

Remember how we met? No, me neither. Haha. Remember when you were taller than me? No, me neither. Hahahaha. Okay I'm getting annoying. 

*SeriousModeOn*

Remember when we were kids, and I was the quite one and you were... well... you. But you were always kind. I don't mean it in a cheesy way. You were always there for people. You were always smiling. And believe in or not, there was this one point in my life that I asked God to make me as outgoing as you. You were an inspiration. No, wait... still is. I don't know how you do it but you can give the biggest smile even when I know you just wanna cry. You can make people laugh even when I know you're feeling like a mess. 

It's amazing how we get so close in just a few years. We started really talking when we're 16 and the rest was history. Having you in our class was a blessing. I cannot handle being the only good looking person in the class. haha. My highschool days wudn't be as awesome without you. Thank you for that.

Dear Jasmine,

We may not share everything with each other, but that does not mean it's due to the lack of trust. It seems that we communicate not by speech, but through our hearts. (Oh man, this is getting cheesy. haha). We don't always tell each other when we're down or sad or something... but we always sorta know. And we don't always try to solve each other's problem, but instead we cheered each other up and we let each other know that we'll always be there. That's the magic of our friendship.

I will never forget you, Jasmine. You're a huge chapter in my book of life. A piece that completes the intricate puzzle of my personality. The right atrium to my heart. (I'm revising my medical terms as I blog - multitasking is my thang~). 

Do take care. I know it's silly asking you to take care as you're the bravest, smartest person I know. Enjoy your time over there. And once in a while, let's Skype :) Go meet a lot of Canadian men and drool over them (Or canadian women, whatever floats your boat.) Haha. Study smart and don't overwork yourself. 

And please, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact us if you have any problem. We may be thousands of miles apart but that doesn't mean we can't help each other out. 

Last but not least, thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for staying true to yourself. Thank you for making me feel comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for your wise words. Thank you for your support.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Best friend forever? That's not a statement. That's a promise.

And just to make you cry a little more, here are some of the pictures you'll definitely miss :P

Remember this? This was one of my first profile picture in facebook. And youre in it. That's how much i love you tau!

Together, we'll touch the sky <3

We've shared laughter...

Discussed philosophies...

We had our arguments...

But the argument never last long, because photo time wud always be around the corner.

Here's to an ever-lasting friendship.

You're our Little Miss Naughty <3

Your most good-looking friend, AB. 

Of Being Just Friends

Everyone talks about being Friendzoned. How much it hurts... how embarassing it can get... how pathetic you can feel. In fact, what scares us the most about confessing our real feelings to our friends-who-we-want-to-be-more-than-just, is the infamous phrase:

"I think we're better off as just friends".

Because we don't wanna be JUST friends. We can't sleep, we can't eat and we can't stand knowing that THAT person you love is just a touch away but you can't have them the way you wanna have them. 

So, you see, above all people, i know how it feels...

But no one talks about being the person who does the friendzone. The friendzone-r. The 'bad' guy.

No one talks about how hard it is having to say to your bestfriend, 'I don't like you LIKE that'. No one seems to care that as much as the person who is friendzoned is hurt, the person who friendzones is in deep pain too. It seems less tragic, less pitiful... but the pain is real.

So when you told me you like me, i already knew. It was obvious but I was hoping that I was wrong. Our friendship means a lot to me. But no matter how close we are I can't seem to imagine myself liking you that way. So i told you that. Exactly that. I told you how much you mean to me, how much i dont want our friendship to end just because a higher level of relationship is impossible. 

You said okay. You said we'll still be friends. You said things wouldn't be awkward. I believed you. I was glad. I was wrong. 

You removed me from Facebook. Probably blocked my number and I never heard from you again. 

You literally became somebody that I used to know.

Sometimes you hurt people because they hurt you back. But what you did to me is far worse then what I did to you.

Dear readers,

Yes sure it hurts knowing the person you love can never love you back the same way. But it hurts even more knowing that your friendship doesn't mean anything if it doesn't lead to the next level. That the friendship can be thrown away if it can't be used as a ladder for something more. That the friendship is just a 'tool'.

Yes sure it hurts knowing you will never get what you WANT . But it hurts even more knowing that you just lost what you NEED.

Ladies and gentlemen, I did not write this post to brag about how I'm the cool one who refused a relationship. Nor to make myself seem like a saint. 

I write this to tell u that people who are Friendzoned aren't the victim. Nobody is. I write this to tell you that when someone tells you that they think you guys are better off as friends - most of the time, they f*cking mean it. They dont just say it to 'escape' or to use that as an excuse.

Im not saying you shouldn't friendzone people. Im just saying that you can't choose who you love. And you can't make someone love you.

Im not saying there's a lot more fishes in the ocean. I know how it feels to want that ONE fish.

Im saying these things happen and one day you'll find out that the things that you want aren't the things that you need.

Goodnight.