Saturday, 20 December 2014

Bukhari Explains: What Panic Attack Feels Like

"A panic attack goes from a 0 to a 100 in an instant."

"It's halfway between feeling like you'll faint, and feeling like you'll die"

"When you miss a step on the stairs and your stomach lurches, it feels like that... but much, much longer."

"Your entire body is feeling everything, and nothing... all at once."

The first time it happened to me was when I was in high school. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know why it happened. And I never told anybody.

I just remember locking myself in the toilet; I was on the floor, arms around my knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

It ended as immediately as it had started. It probably lasted for five minutes. It felt like hours.

I didn't know what panic attacks were. I'm not even sure whether all these episodes that I have even count as panic attacks.

I can usually tell when it's coming. Like how when a person with asthma can know when he's going to have an asthma attack, or when someone with epilepsy can tell he's going to have one... it's like that.

I know when it's coming. But the sucky part is that... there's nothing I can do to stop it. Which usually leads me to go and find an empty room, lock myself in, and let it all rush in.

It feels like I'm drowning and I'm gasping for air. And with each breath, I sink even deeper and suffocate even more. It feels like a thousand mountains were laid on top of my chest, and with each effort to breathe, I feel like my ribs are cracking and I feel like I am dying.

I feel helpless, and scared and tired. You will never feel as lonely as you were when you're having a panic attack, which makes the panic attack even worse. Because you realize that no one is ever going to be there to help you. You can only help yourself.

What triggers my panic attack?

I wish I knew. It usually happens when a lot of things are happening to me, all at once. And because I tend to ignore them, it accumulates and soon, like a ticking time bomb, I explode.

It sometimes happen in public. I remember being in a mall with a group of friends when I felt like an attack was going to happen. I excused myself to the restroom, locked the doors, sat on the floor and waited for it to end.

Panic attack feels like a heart attack, or a stroke. But the thing with heart attacks or strokes is that you know what is wrong with you.

With panic attack you usually have no clue.

A friend once asked me, "Is it that bad?"

And I answered, "No. Maybe I'm just that weak..."

"But i just keep thinking that this will pass... this will pass... and it usually does."

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Bukhari Explains: Why We Fall In Love

I used to believe that the reason we fall in love with a person is solely because of who that person is. Meaning that our love is fully dependent on their personality, their mentality, their humor or how they look like.

But if there's anything I learn being in my 20's is that we also love people because of who WE are. It is also dependent on OUR personality, OUR mentality, OUR humor and OUR self-image. 

You see, I think we accept the love we think we deserve. We are attracted to those that we feel are compatible with us. We fall in love with people that fit in with our personality, that challenge our minds, make us laugh and make us want to be better versions of ourselves.

We don't only love them, we also love the things they do to us. Like how they make us change the way we view the world, the way they make us believe in our own dreams and the way they make it seem that the world isn't such a bad place after all.

We love them, but perhaps more than that, we love their effect on us.

Which is why sometimes, when you stop loving people, you can look back and think, "What the hell was I thinking the whole time?" It's not because they've changed, it's because YOU have changed. They can no longer fit into your life. You, discovering new things about yourself, sometimes means realizing that the new-you deserves more than what the old-them can give.

The people we are in love with and the friends that we have, are all reflections of ourselves. The people we love, in some ways, define ourselves.

Therefore, we love because we are capable of loving, not just because they are lovable. So the only way to fall in love with the right person is to first be the right person. Change how you view yourself and you'll start seeing that you will be attracted to people who are worth being attracted to. ;)

Friday, 22 August 2014

I Am Sorry

Hey. I don't know why am I writing this in the middle of the night. Or who am I writing this for. Maybe I secretly hope that you would read this. Maybe you won't. If that's the case, then this is for my readers and hopefully someone will learn from this. At least I did.

I wasn't looking for you. I wasn't looking for anyone. But I found you, all by accident. I guess you can say that it's fate. I wasn't looking for love. I don't know what I was looking for. But I found you.

And you were perfect in every single way. You like the same things and you hate all the right things. I was deeply attracted to you, even before knowing how you look like. And that has never happened before.

We were moving too fast, I know. But I kept telling myself that it is okay to move that fast because when you feel that it's right, you don't wanna waste even a single second without each other.

But I guess I was wrong.

I tell myself that I love you over and over again in my head because why else would I miss you even after a second you said goodnight? Why else would I wanna spend all my days and all my nights just hearing what you've got to say? And why else would I agree to get a ring and ask you if you'd like to be mine?

I keep telling myself that I love you because you were perfect for me. You say all the right things and made me laugh at all the right times. And you make each and every moment with you feel like the right moment to be alive.

I fell in love with the idea of you. The idea of a relationship. I fell in love with the idea of being someone's. The idea that I can finally tell off someone who flirts with me, "Sorry, but I'm taken."

I love the way you smile. I love the way you laugh. The way you blush when I tell you that you're beautiful and the way you tell me about your hopes and dreams. 

I love the way you're so passionate about your studies and about life in general.

You see, I love a lot of things about you.

But I don't love you.

I tried saying it out loud. I tried telling myself that maybe love isn't falling head over heels for someone. I tried telling myself that what I felt for you is love.

But I can't.

And I tried ignoring the incessant voice inside of my head telling me that it was all a mistake. That I was living a lie and I was telling everyone that I love you because I figured sooner or later I would finally believe in my own lies.

But that voice inside of my head was right.

We had a fight and I got mad at you. We made up. And we fight again... and again. And I finally realize why. I was trying to push you away.

I have no reasons or excuses as to why I did the things I did the other night and for that I am truly sorry.

You deserve someone who loves you will all his heart and that someone isn't me.

You said all the right things, but all to the wrong person.

I still care about you, though. And that will never change. And I don't think I will ever stop caring about you.

And I hate myself for hurting you like that. or like this. 

And I didn't want it to end it like that. Not in a million years. But I did want it to end. I really do.

I thought I could stay and fight for you, fight for us, but when I realize that you, too, were too tired to fight - I realize that I cannot hurt you any longer.

I will always hurt people that I care about and I cannot justify how much of a monster I can be.

I am not perfect. But that isn't an excuse for the way I acted. It's me telling you that it wasn't your fault. It was all me.

Please take care. And the next guy you're falling in love with better treat you right, because if he doesn't then it's his loss.

I know it was mine.

I am sorry and I hope somehow you will able to forgive me. But I would totally understand if you can't.

Thanks for the amazing memories. Go and make new ones :)

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Bukhari Explains: Growing Apart

One of the hardest thing you have to learn all on your own is that people grow apart. And sometimes, not always, that means separation. 

No matter how close you were with someone, someday you wake up and you realize that you haven't talked to them in months. You haven't texted them in weeks. And you haven't thought about them in days. 

You guys are still best friends. They still mean a lot to you. But you grew apart.

You love them. You care a lot about them. Your feelings towards them haven't and will never change. You wouldn't hesitate to be the shoulder for them to cry on whenever they need it. You would still die for them.

But you grew apart. 

Because as we get older, we change. We learn new things. We change our ideals. We change the way we view the world. We change the way we carry ourselves.

And they change, too. 

And unfortunately, sometimes changing means that you are no longer walking on the same road. 

We meet new people and we love new people.
And they learn new things and they discover new places.

And when you do meet with each other, it's as if you've never stopped talking in the first place. You reminisce the times you used to have. And wishing you can go back to the way things were. 

But you've grown apart. Somehow they no longer fit with your puzzle pieces like how they used to. 

And eventually you will say your goodbyes and you will tell them to take care. And you make them promise to call you whenever they need you for anything.

You love them and they love you.

But you just simply... grew apart.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Bukhari Explains: Why We Don't Always Wanna Talk About It

Everyone is fighting battles that no one else knows about. Our silent struggles. Our secret battle wounds. Our hidden scars.

We can talk about it. We can tell our friends. We can ask our family for help.

But we don't. Not always. Not even when they offer their help.

Because despite of everything, you know once they get into the same battle as you are in, they will get hurt. Maybe not as much, but maybe even more.

Our struggles will be their struggles.

Our battle wounds will be their battle wounds.

And our scars will be their scars.

And we love them too much to not let that happen.

We love them too much.

It doesn't make sense. I know. 

I am not saying you shouldn't talk to people about it. I am not discouraging you to tell people about your problems. 

I am just saying that, I understand if you won't. It's not that you don't trust people. It's not that you are being stubborn, antisocial and wanting to be independent. 

It's you, in your own ridiculous way, of protecting the people that you care about. 

Saturday, 4 January 2014

How Do I Know?

*wipes off dust and cobwebs*

This post has been in the draft section since last year. Which is really just last week. Haha. I don't know why I didn't post this then. Well I'm posting it now.

I think it's cute when my friends ask me for relationship advices. I am that friend that is single but thinks he is emotionally capable of understanding what it's like to be in a relationship. Mostly I give clich├ęs like, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be" or "Please stop asking me questions, I have to learn about Trichomonas vaginalis."

But the other day I was talking to my friend and it goes something like this:

"Hey, how do I know if he's the one?" She asked.

"Why can't we ever have a normal conversation?

"C'mon! I'm serious. How do I know? I really don't want to commit unless I am sure about it. The last time I did, I got hurt real bad."

"I know. I was there." I said.

"So you know how important it is for me to know whether this guy is the right one."

I sighed and I paused for a while. 

"Do you have a pen and a piece of paper with you?" I asked.


"Okay. I want you to write down 10 things that you are most insecure about yourself. The things you don't like about yourself. The things that you wish you can change but you can't. The things that you wish you never had. Or the things that people always tease you about. The things that haunt you. The things that keep you awake at night."

"Um.. okay."

I waited for her to list them down. It didn't take her long.

"Okay I got them," she said.

"Okay. That's NOT a list of the things you should change. Or a list of your weaknesses. That's a checklist. How you know if he's the one? If he loves everything about you, including those 10 things in your list. Someone who thinks you're not less than perfect. Someone who celebrates you for that 10 things. Someone that understand that those 10 things don't define you but they are still a part of you. He is the one, if he makes you kinda glad that you have those 10 things."

"But how do I know whether he loves these 10 things?"

"If he is the one, he will make sure you know."

"I'm just scared. What if this one doesn't work out?"

"Look, sometimes you gotta stop asking yourself 'what if it doesn't work out' ...

and start asking yourself...

what if it does?"