Sometimes I wonder why I even bother blogging. Like um... no my life isn't that interesting to talk about which kinda explains why my blog is almost never about the things that I did or about the places I went or the funny things that happened.
It's much, much more about the things that keep me awake at nights, those voices inside my head that just won't shut up.
But more than that, I wonder why do I even blog because... maybe i kinda, a teeny-weeny bit, regret writing the things that I wrote.
For example, I Whatsapped a friend of mine the other day:
Me: Had a bad day in class today :(
Friend: What happened?
Me: We were learning on the reproductive system. And the lecturer mentioned a few drugs that can cause erectile dysfunction. Apparently antidepressants are one of them.
Me: Remember i wrote in my blog about me taking Sertraline? Yeah. Now the whole class probably think i have erectile dysfunction.
Me: It's not funny okay!?
Friend: Do you?
Me: Do I what?
Friend: Have erectile dysfunction...
Friend: Prove it!
Me: WTF HAHAHAHAHHHA
So you can understand why sometimes, just sometimes, blogging the things you think about isn't a good idea. Haha.
But you know what makes it all worth it?
When you get the randomest people pm-ing you on Facebook just to say thank you for writing the things that you wrote.
People telling you how they are thankful that they finally found someone who they can relate to.
People asking you advices, people asking you how did you do it, people asking you how the fudge do you keep on smiling when they can't even find the reason to wake up every day.
I am not saying that I am glad these people have similar problems as I do.
But you know like how when you're Googling for a really random question, and the search result comes up and someone already asked the same question on Yahoo and you're like oh god thank you you just saved my life?
It's like that. You're glad someone is going through, or has gone through, the things you are going through. You feel like your problems are validated, they aren't just in your head, they're real. I understand why people appreciate that.
When I was battling severe depression, I couldn't find anyone who I can relate to. I was alone. Not physically, though. Mentally and emotionally. Like I cannot for the life of me imagine anyone else going through similar things as I was going through.
But I survived. And I vowed to not let that happen to anyone else. So I write the things other people might not want to write about, or things people might not want to even read - because if I can make someone, even if just one person, feel like they are not alone, then it's worth it.
It's worth every odd stares that I get from the people I meet.
It's worth the whispers they think I cannot hear.
It's worth that sad, pity look they give me every time they talk to me.
It's worth every word.
And a personal thanks to a friend of mine, who gave me a link to her blog, detailing things that she has gone through as well. I woke up randomly at 4am the other day, and i felt extremely lonely. And I asked God to give me the strength to keep on going. And a few minutes later, my phone beeped and it was her, she messaged me a link to her blog. And I read it, and I cried. What she's going through, I can really, really relate to that. And for the first time, I found someone I can look up to and know for a fact - I am not alone in this.
Thank you. You know who you are. Allah bless you. :)
And as always, have a good weekend!