Sunday, 23 September 2012


When we were kids, our parents had to convince us that there are no monsters in our closets, or ogres under our beds. We were told that there is nothing to be afraid of and that we're perfectly safe and sound.

But nobody warned us of a different kind of monster. 

Are we ever safe from the monster, within?

Turn back time back into my primary school years and anybody who knew me back way back then can tell you that I was not the same person I am today. Shy, socially awkward and a geek - I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in school.

I get teased a lot when I was younger. Teased for my skin colour, the way I look, the way I talked, or walked or smiled - you name it. That lead to me being shy. For a long time, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was convinced that I was ugly. And to compensate, I had to be funny. So that's how I get friends. I was always the funny one, the smart one. And for a while, I was comfortable with that title. 

But then I grew up, and with new circles of friends I became much more confident. I was a late bloomer and soon I was comfortable in my own skin. And with that newfound confidence, I began to change.

This is not the story of how I was bullied and how I managed to rise above it.

That was just the beginning.

This is the story of how I became the bully.

Forward a few years later, when I was 15, there was a new kid in school. Let's call him A. And like all new students, he tried desperately to fit in. However, his method was awkward. HE was awkward. And weird. So it's no surprise, he wasn't getting any attention. I knew A back from primary school, though. He got transferred after that but he came back. So naturally, A treated me like his old friend.

But I was mean. When in front of him I would be nice and friendly, I would talk bad about him behind his back. In front of my friends, I make fun of the way he walked, the way he talked and the way he look. Sounds familiar? I did to him the exact same thing people used to do to me. But I was worse. While the kids in primary school wasn't doing it to be mean, I was. 

I paid the ultimate price of being confident, I became a monster. With every chance I can get, my friends and I constantly made fun of him and laugh at his failed attempts to be one of us. It wasn't my proudest moment, I admit. But at that time, I was enjoying myself. Finally the tables have turned, I have friends and somebody else didn't.

And then one day, A messaged me on Myspace. He said some things that I couldn't remember. Possibly my head blocked the memory out, but he said something that annoyed me. I couldn't remember what he said but I remember what I replied.

I told him that he was a loser, straight to his face (not literally, through Myspace.) I told him how he had no friends and how he should look into the mirror and realize how awkward he really looked like. I told him that nobody liked him, and he was just making a fool out of himself.

And i turned off my computer. 

That night, I got a call from my friend, A got into a car accident.

A died.

I swear to God, at that time, it felt like the whole universe had stopped. I could hear my friend still talking on the phone but I didn't care. I hung up and I fell on my knees and cried. I cried huge sobbing tears and I was gasping for air. And all I could think about was how it was my fault. Somehow, I killed him. I just knew.

I waited for someone to call me back and tell me how it was just a joke. A cruel joke, I wouldn't care. But that call never came.

That night, a part of me died with him.

The next morning was his funeral. I went to his house and there he was, his body covered with white cloths and his body was laid in the living room. His mom, whom I was very close to, asked me if I wanted to see him for the last time. I couldn't say no, but I was scared. The cloth that was covering his face was lifted and I see the boy I once knew. I see myself. I see a misunderstood boy, I see a lonely person. 

His mother turned to me and said 'If he had done any sins unto you, please find in your heart the courage to forgive him."

I cried. I wanted to tell his mom that I was the one who should ask for forgiveness, that I was the one who had sinned. I wanted to tell his mom everything that I had done. I wanted to confess that I wasn't the person she thought I was. I am a fake. A fraud. A monster.

But what I told his mom instead was that A had no sins with me. And I left.

We went to the mosque to pray for A and soon to a grave site where he was buried. Everything passed as a blur. 

That night, when i turned on my computer, I saw that A had replied the message I sent him, just hours before the accident.

He said: I am sorry that you feel that way. I want to make it up to you, please can we talk about this? Can we hang out sometime?

It didn't make sense. I was so mean to him. Why?

I guess I would never find out why. A died not knowing that I am sorry. He died before I could ever have the chance of telling him that the reason I was so mean to him was because I see so much of myself inside him. So much so that he reminded me of how much a loser I thought I was. I hated him, because I hated myself.

Dear readers, sometimes a bully can be a huge, muscular man who pushes you around.

But most of the time, a bully looks just like you and me. Bullies who hurt people not by their physical actions, but by words. Bullies who were bullied themselves at one point. A forced participant in the never-ending cycle of revenge.

We've heard of stories of people who are bullied, but almost never people who bully. This is my story, my regrets and my mistakes.

This is the ghost that haunts me every night. 

This is my monster in the closet.

I cannot ask you to not judge me. I deserve every bit of scrutiny and judgment and hate. But if you are anything like me, I am asking you to stop. Don't do the same mistakes as I did. 

The reason I'm so outspoken about bullying is because I knew firsthand how deadly it can be for the victims and for the bully themselves.

If you're thinking of making fun of anyone, stop yourself. You will hurt that person more than you think. And you will hurt yourself more than you care to admit.


Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Little Miss Naughty

Dear Jasmine, 

I wish I could be there to send you off to Canada. You'll be leaving Malaysia tonight. And you won't come back for a long time. I won't get the chance to see you for one last time before you leave. But that's okay. 

Dear Jasmine,

Wanna know how much you affect me? Well, let's just put it this way - if we had never met, I wouldn't be me. I would be a panda. No... haha kidding. That was a joke. Everyone knows I would be a unicorn. A majestic unicorn with majestic rainbow tail. Ok, I should stop. People are getting jealous.

Remember how we met? No, me neither. Haha. Remember when you were taller than me? No, me neither. Hahahaha. Okay I'm getting annoying. 


Remember when we were kids, and I was the quite one and you were... well... you. But you were always kind. I don't mean it in a cheesy way. You were always there for people. You were always smiling. And believe in or not, there was this one point in my life that I asked God to make me as outgoing as you. You were an inspiration. No, wait... still is. I don't know how you do it but you can give the biggest smile even when I know you just wanna cry. You can make people laugh even when I know you're feeling like a mess. 

It's amazing how we get so close in just a few years. We started really talking when we're 16 and the rest was history. Having you in our class was a blessing. I cannot handle being the only good looking person in the class. haha. My highschool days wudn't be as awesome without you. Thank you for that.

Dear Jasmine,

We may not share everything with each other, but that does not mean it's due to the lack of trust. It seems that we communicate not by speech, but through our hearts. (Oh man, this is getting cheesy. haha). We don't always tell each other when we're down or sad or something... but we always sorta know. And we don't always try to solve each other's problem, but instead we cheered each other up and we let each other know that we'll always be there. That's the magic of our friendship.

I will never forget you, Jasmine. You're a huge chapter in my book of life. A piece that completes the intricate puzzle of my personality. The right atrium to my heart. (I'm revising my medical terms as I blog - multitasking is my thang~). 

Do take care. I know it's silly asking you to take care as you're the bravest, smartest person I know. Enjoy your time over there. And once in a while, let's Skype :) Go meet a lot of Canadian men and drool over them (Or canadian women, whatever floats your boat.) Haha. Study smart and don't overwork yourself. 

And please, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact us if you have any problem. We may be thousands of miles apart but that doesn't mean we can't help each other out. 

Last but not least, thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for staying true to yourself. Thank you for making me feel comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for your wise words. Thank you for your support.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Best friend forever? That's not a statement. That's a promise.

And just to make you cry a little more, here are some of the pictures you'll definitely miss :P

Remember this? This was one of my first profile picture in facebook. And youre in it. That's how much i love you tau!
Together, we'll touch the sky <3

We've shared laughter...
Discussed philosophies...
We had our arguments...

But the argument never last long, because photo time wud always be around the corner.

Here's to an ever-lasting friendship.

You're our Little Miss Naughty <3

Your most good-looking friend, AB.