Hey. I don't know why am I writing this in the middle of the night. Or who am I writing this for. Maybe I secretly hope that you would read this. Maybe you won't. If that's the case, then this is for my readers and hopefully someone will learn from this. At least I did.
I wasn't looking for you. I wasn't looking for anyone. But I found you, all by accident. I guess you can say that it's fate. I wasn't looking for love. I don't know what I was looking for. But I found you.
And you were perfect in every single way. You like the same things and you hate all the right things. I was deeply attracted to you, even before knowing how you look like. And that has never happened before.
We were moving too fast, I know. But I kept telling myself that it is okay to move that fast because when you feel that it's right, you don't wanna waste even a single second without each other.
But I guess I was wrong.
I tell myself that I love you over and over again in my head because why else would I miss you even after a second you said goodnight? Why else would I wanna spend all my days and all my nights just hearing what you've got to say? And why else would I agree to get a ring and ask you if you'd like to be mine?
I keep telling myself that I love you because you were perfect for me. You say all the right things and made me laugh at all the right times. And you make each and every moment with you feel like the right moment to be alive.
I fell in love with the idea of you. The idea of a relationship. I fell in love with the idea of being someone's. The idea that I can finally tell off someone who flirts with me, "Sorry, but I'm taken."
I love the way you smile. I love the way you laugh. The way you blush when I tell you that you're beautiful and the way you tell me about your hopes and dreams.
I love the way you're so passionate about your studies and about life in general.
You see, I love a lot of things about you.
But I don't love you.
I tried saying it out loud. I tried telling myself that maybe love isn't falling head over heels for someone. I tried telling myself that what I felt for you is love.
But I can't.
And I tried ignoring the incessant voice inside of my head telling me that it was all a mistake. That I was living a lie and I was telling everyone that I love you because I figured sooner or later I would finally believe in my own lies.
But that voice inside of my head was right.
We had a fight and I got mad at you. We made up. And we fight again... and again. And I finally realize why. I was trying to push you away.
I have no reasons or excuses as to why I did the things I did the other night and for that I am truly sorry.
You deserve someone who loves you will all his heart and that someone isn't me.
You said all the right things, but all to the wrong person.
I still care about you, though. And that will never change. And I don't think I will ever stop caring about you.
And I hate myself for hurting you like that. or like this.
And I didn't want it to end it like that. Not in a million years. But I did want it to end. I really do.
I thought I could stay and fight for you, fight for us, but when I realize that you, too, were too tired to fight - I realize that I cannot hurt you any longer.
I will always hurt people that I care about and I cannot justify how much of a monster I can be.
I am not perfect. But that isn't an excuse for the way I acted. It's me telling you that it wasn't your fault. It was all me.
Please take care. And the next guy you're falling in love with better treat you right, because if he doesn't then it's his loss.
I know it was mine.
I am sorry and I hope somehow you will able to forgive me. But I would totally understand if you can't.
Thanks for the amazing memories. Go and make new ones :)