I woke up at 3:23 a.m. the other night
and I couldn't put myself back to sleep.
I looked at my phone and I tried to remember when was the last time I felt whole.
I went on Whatsapp, scrolled down a few times until I saw your name.
*tap*
You were online.
Were you having trouble sleeping, again?
Or like me, you woke up to find yourself occupied with a million things in your mind?
I lie in bed, the screen inches away from my face and I stared at the word 'online' under your name.
And I waited. Not really sure of what.
A text.
A phone call.
A hello.
An I-miss-you.
Those things didn't happen.
Maybe you were talking to someone else.
Someone who made you rather spend the whole night awake, to suffer having eyebags the next morning, than to say goodnight.
That person used to be me, I thought.
That person is no longer me, I realized.
And I wondered, maybe at the same time and by chance, you were staring at my name
And you, too, wondered when will I text you again
or when will I finally give in and tell you that I miss you.
*Last seen 3:33 a.m.*
You went offline.
Goodnight, I whispered as I waited for the sheer exhaustion of thinking about you, to lull me back to sleep.
Hello.
ReplyDeleteI decided to stay up late and i stumbled upon your blog. I read the every post and honestly, its beautiful. It amazes me how life has given you so many impact yet this beautiful blog is here, showing every sadness in the most ironic way.
Its beautiful but ugly.
I didnt mean it in a bad way. But its ugly tht these things happen.
That's life, isn't?
I lived in a fairytale life before this. Everything came up just the way I like it. All friends were pretty. Grades were fine.
Until one day, it crushed.
In front of me, left me with nothing but despair and feeling helpless.
I was sad. Of course. I asked how and why.
Right now, I can still feel the impact. It somehow embeds within me after my dark time. Growing up, i realize I must walk through this. I told myself everyday, there are people who have to face things tht are way bigger than this. Thts wht my friend told me. Thts wht i told myself.
But sometimes, i dont wanna be strong. Sometimes i can literally feel everything is falling into pieces. But everytime i try to seek help, dey said "can u toughen up" or 'stop being so dramatic ure an emotional wreck'
And I just look down and swallow everything, before i head up and give the widest smile I ever have.
Why did i write all this. Kt blog you pula tu mcm x reti nk type blog sndiri. X tau la. Bcause for once, i rsa mcm safe. Mcm this is my zone to comfort myself and embrace my sadness without getting judged.
Thank you bukhari.
Oh wow first of all, thank u for taking ur time to read this old blog and writing a beautiful comment :) i really appreciate it when people open up to me because thats the reason i blog anyway.
DeleteI feel like i cant offer u any word of advice that u havent already heard or known because life is a beautiful struggle, sometimes u just gotta swim thru the current. Whatever youre experiencing now, will make u a better person. Maybe not in a day, maybe not in a week but i promise u that someday u gonna look back and think to urself oh wow i have grown so much from this.
I know i did.
Take care and feel free to talk to me if u need anything <3
Great post.
ReplyDelete