I Deserve You

Here are some things that took me a while to realize, the same things that you should know.

I think, perhaps, there is a 100% chance that I am in love with you.

And I deserve you. Honest to God, I do. I deserve your humour, your weird sense of humour that makes me helplessly smile and all happy inside. I deserve your ability to make me laugh out loud even when I don't even feel like smiling.

I deserve your kind thoughts, your generosity and your passion. I deserve listening to you talk about the things that you love and the things that you hate. I deserve listening to the way you talk about the people you have met, the way you talk about the things that you find beautiful and the way you talk about love. And it amazes me each time you speak and I yearn to see the world as beautifully as you do.

I deserve to be in your presence when you talk about your faith. When you talk about God and makes it seems like all my questions about life are always valid. I deserve your honesty in the things that you don't know and your humility in the things that you do.

I deserve your love, unconditional and unwavering. Selfless and without any ulterior motive. I deserve to be loved by you.

I deserve you.

But here's the catch, the part where I don't think you understand and the part where I hate to admit.

You don't deserve me.

You don't deserve my insecurities and my constant anxiety of whether I am ever going to be good enough. You do not deserve my perpetual fear of being in my own skin.

You do not deserve my violent mood swings and panic attacks. Or how I shut the world out whenever I feel like the whole world is against me. And you certainly do not deserve my temper, my anger and all my pent-up rage.

You do not deserve my hipocrisy, how I judge people for judging me. How I expect the world to treat me fairly when I refuse to ever see the world as fair. How I demand respect and attention, but all for the wrong reasons, using all the wrong ways.

You do not deserve how I will always hurt the people that I love, and the people who are foolish enough to love me. You do not deserve how I will always push you away and how I am constantly afraid of the idea of you leaving. You do not deserve the fact that I am so afraid of getting attached because I am constantly entertaining the thought that one day, slowly but surely, you will fall for someone else.

You don't deserve me. Because you deserve someone much, much better.

So please understand why I walked away. Because it doesn't kill me as much, not being with someone I love. What will truly and surely kill me is the thought that I let you be with me when you deserve something much more. 

I walk away because nobody warned you that when you meet someone like me for the first time, you should have trusted your first instinct...

and run.