Whatsapp

I woke up at 3:23 a.m. the other night

and I couldn't put myself back to sleep.

I looked at my phone and I tried to remember when was the last time I felt whole.

I went on Whatsapp, scrolled down a few times until I saw your name.

*tap*

You were online.

Were you having trouble sleeping, again?

Or like me, you woke up to find yourself occupied with a million things in your mind?

I lie in bed, the screen inches away from my face and I stared at the word 'online' under your name.

And I waited. Not really sure of what.

A text.

A phone call.

A hello.

An I-miss-you.

Those things didn't happen.

Maybe you were talking to someone else.

Someone who made you rather spend the whole night awake, to suffer having eyebags the next morning, than to say goodnight.

That person used to be me, I thought.

That person is no longer me, I realized.

And I wondered, maybe at the same time and by chance, you were staring at my name

And you, too, wondered when will I text you again

or when will I finally give in and tell you that I miss you.

*Last seen 3:33 a.m.*

You went offline.

Goodnight, I whispered as I waited for the sheer exhaustion of thinking about you, to lull me back to sleep.

I Deserve You

Here are some things that took me a while to realize, the same things that you should know.

I think, perhaps, there is a 100% chance that I am in love with you.

And I deserve you. Honest to God, I do. I deserve your humour, your weird sense of humour that makes me helplessly smile and all happy inside. I deserve your ability to make me laugh out loud even when I don't even feel like smiling.

I deserve your kind thoughts, your generosity and your passion. I deserve listening to you talk about the things that you love and the things that you hate. I deserve listening to the way you talk about the people you have met, the way you talk about the things that you find beautiful and the way you talk about love. And it amazes me each time you speak and I yearn to see the world as beautifully as you do.

I deserve to be in your presence when you talk about your faith. When you talk about God and makes it seems like all my questions about life are always valid. I deserve your honesty in the things that you don't know and your humility in the things that you do.

I deserve your love, unconditional and unwavering. Selfless and without any ulterior motive. I deserve to be loved by you.

I deserve you.

But here's the catch, the part where I don't think you understand and the part where I hate to admit.

You don't deserve me.

You don't deserve my insecurities and my constant anxiety of whether I am ever going to be good enough. You do not deserve my perpetual fear of being in my own skin.

You do not deserve my violent mood swings and panic attacks. Or how I shut the world out whenever I feel like the whole world is against me. And you certainly do not deserve my temper, my anger and all my pent-up rage.

You do not deserve my hipocrisy, how I judge people for judging me. How I expect the world to treat me fairly when I refuse to ever see the world as fair. How I demand respect and attention, but all for the wrong reasons, using all the wrong ways.

You do not deserve how I will always hurt the people that I love, and the people who are foolish enough to love me. You do not deserve how I will always push you away and how I am constantly afraid of the idea of you leaving. You do not deserve the fact that I am so afraid of getting attached because I am constantly entertaining the thought that one day, slowly but surely, you will fall for someone else.

You don't deserve me. Because you deserve someone much, much better.

So please understand why I walked away. Because it doesn't kill me as much, not being with someone I love. What will truly and surely kill me is the thought that I let you be with me when you deserve something much more. 

I walk away because nobody warned you that when you meet someone like me for the first time, you should have trusted your first instinct...

and run.

How To Break a Person's Heart

Let me teach you how to break a person's heart

It's fairly simple, all you have to do is start.

This thing I'm teaching, it's like online gaming

Once you start the war, there's no room for pausing.

First things first, begin with a casual conversation

lure them into your secret mission.

Proceed with compliments and make them smile,

make them believe that you're worth their while.

Promise them loyalty, kindness and affection

make them feel special with your utmost attention.

Now that you've confirmed, they're attracted to you

it's time to proceed to phase Number Two.

Text them at midnight, your beautiful thoughts

tell them that you like them, you like them a lot.

Text them 'Goodnight beautiful' before you sleep

Once you do this, they'll be in it too deep.

Now comes the fun part, so listen closely

but be careful, my dear, it's going to get messy.

Once or twice, read their text but do not reply

make them wonder what went wrong, make them cry.

Try to act indifferent when they share in their secrets

plunge the knife in deeper, kick them where it hurts.

They are now very fragile, almost broken but not quite

To complete this mission, start an argument, pick a fight.

Tell them you are done with them, you're walking away

Now enjoy the sound they make as they beg you to stay.

Then tell them what they fear the most, tell them with a smile,

that you had never loved them, you're playing a game all these while.

You got what you want now, their lives will never be the same

Congratulations, collect your prize, you have won the game.

Now you may ask me, what do you do

If instead you're the one whose heart got broken into two?

I will teach you now how to mend a broken heart

it's fairly simple, all you have to do is start.

Scars and Bruises

I think this has happened to everyone - you get these small scars or random bruises on your body and you have no idea how you got them.

I guess I never really wonder the how or the when of it, instead I always wonder what was I doing when I got them. What was occupying my mind so much that I didn't register the pain? Which train of thoughts could overpower the pain signal to my brain? What was I thinking?

And more importantly, was I thinking of you?