I Do.

Have you ever been so sure that the person you like, likes you back?

And you walk towards them and you're like all ready to tell them that you like them.

But before you could say it, they like, 'I have something I wanna tell you.'

And you're all like, in your head, Omg is it what i think it is?

And they're like, 'I like someone'.

And you're like, in your head, Please say it's me.

And they tell you.

...

And it's not you.

And they say, 'But that person doesn't like me back'.

And they like continue, 'You have no idea how it feels to like someone who doesn't like you back'.

And you're like, in your head:

I f*cking do. 

Of Quiche and Quitting

I was at the counter looking at the cakes and pastry they had displayed in The Upstairs Cafe when my phone rang.

'Hello?'

"Ari!" It was my dad. "Where are you?"

"Out with my friends. Why? Are you home?"

"No. Listen, you're free on the 9th?' And before I could reply, he continued, "We're going back to Kelantan."

He told me a week before that he'll be having a meeting over there and suggested we go visit my grandparents.

'"Oh, okay. Sure, cool." I mumbled as I admired the cafe's red velvet cakes.

"And I already booked a place for us on Pulau Perhentian. I was thinking we can go there on the weekends."

"Oh?" I was caught of guard. I guess I didn't answer him in time because my dad then asked "Is that okay?"

"Well... Uh..." I stammered. "It's just that... Mom was planning a trip to Singapore on the same weekend."

It was my dad's turn to be surprised. "But I've booked...."

My heart sank. "I know. But... you didn't ask me whether I'm free on that day..."

"You SAID you were free..." he said.

"Yeah, but only on the 9th till the weekend. Mom had planned this..."

"Okay, fine then. I'll just cancel the booking then. Don't want you to get mad at me."

I didn't know what to say. I just kept quite and he hung up on me without saying goodbye.

I was about to cry there and then. 

"I'm sorry, sir. Would you like to order?"

Can I have my family back?

"One quiche, please."

***

That wasn't the first time I was forced to make a choice of which parent I must disappoint in order to please the other. 

I guess it comes with the separation. My parents had been separated for more than three years now. It wasn't a secret. I just don't tell people.

I mean, if people were to straight up and ask whether my parents are still together, I would say no. But nobody ever asked. Why would they?

I guess I don't tell people coz I don't wanna make it a big deal. Once people find out that your family isn't that perfect they'll start to look at you differently. They'll treat you differently. They promise they won't... but they do. I've seen it. I've felt it. I hated it.

'Hey, do you know his parents are separated?'

'Omg is that why he's been acting so weird?'

Bullshit.

I'm not saying the separation doesn't affect me. In so many ways I was forced to realize that life isn't a fairy tale. 

I have parents who are no longer together, but they're not divorced. When there's no closure, I guess, as the children, we're trying to find the definition of our current situation.

You don't know how to define your parents' relationship. And thus you don't know how to create boundaries, we have no clue how to enforce rules and we have no idea how to act.

Are they staying together? No.

Do they still love each other? I don't know.

Do they still speak to each other? No. 

Are you happy about this? I don't know.

In so many ways I am glad they got separated when I was 17. In other ways, I was not. It happened just before my SPM. Not enough that I had to see my dad sleep on the couch every night, I had to see them walk pass each other like they're strangers.

But I guess the worst part was that the whole family pretended nothing had happened.

But I'm glad that I was matured enough to understand that it wasn't anyone's fault that it happened.

I was old enough to not let it affect how I feel about both of them. I was wise enough to know they still love me no matter what and nothing has changed.

But still.

I remember crying at nights. I remember having to fake smiles when people are talking about how perfect their families are. I remember being afraid to fall in love. I remember feeling like I was walking on mine fields and at any moment I would make one mistake and explode to pieces. 

I guess the worst part is not having anyone to talk to. It's not that I don't trust people, it's not that I don't think they can handle my problems.

I knew that if I tell them, things will be different. Not in a bad way. But I hate different. I hate changes. 

So for as long as I can, I will try to make my friendships as less about my problems as possible. I mean, who cares right? Who can help anyway? Who would listen?

So what am I doing now? Why am I writing this? I guess this is a cry for help. I can't do this anymore. I can't please both parents and I can't make one happy without disappointing the other.

I can't be at two places at once. I can't pretend to be happy anymore. I'm tired of trying to make everyone laugh just so that they won't think I am unhappy.

I'm sick of laughing when I can feel the tears welling up inside. I had enough of pretending to be someone that I am not. I cannot afford to wear this mask any longer.

I'm taking it off.

Mom, Dad. I know you're reading this. And this is me saying that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry things aren't perfect. I'm sorry that I cannot make you both happy. I'm sorry about everything.

I'm just so... tired. 

Friends VS Boyfriends

I miss those days when people are not busy looking for a relationship. Seems like nowadays everywhere you turn you'll see new couples popping up like mushrooms. Hormones? Seasonal flu? Whatever it is, i seem to be immuned to it. 

At just a glance this tweet probably seems factual. That is, however, impossible to determine because there is no valid experiment to prove this theory and im pretty sure no valid statistic has taken place before this 'fact' came up.

But why the popular belief that people who are in a relationship tend to lose a friend a year?

Maybe because we all have lost a friend that way?

People change when they get into a relationship. No doubt. You are just not the same anymore when you've made that kind of commitment. And this change IS NOT BAD. In fact, i think it's mostly good. From my humble view, people who are in a relationship tend to become more matured, wise, loving and protective. They HAVE to change because suddenly, they don't just live for themselves anymore, but for somebody else. That kind of responsibility changes you.

So why the hate? Why do we, the single, left-out friends, moan and complain on how much our friends have changed and how much we miss the old them?

Because we're actually scared. Suddenly, we might not be the most important person in our friends' lives anymore. Suddenly we have to share. Suddenly, this newcomer steals the spotlight. Suddenly, there's competition.

We don't hate how our friends have changed, we're scared of how a relationship changes the dynamic of the friendship.

Bros before hoes? Great in theory, poor in practice.

In total honesty, I DON'T think that people who are in a relationship lose friends because they became overly occupied with their partners and started ignoring their friends.

I believe the real reason is that we, the friends, started ignoring them first.

We hated sooo much of the possibility that our friends might change - WE ourselves changed. We become bitter. We push away our friends and their partners because we're scared. We think that "Before they hurt me, I should retreat."

We ignore invites to go out because we hate being the third-wheel.

We dismiss an invitation to lunch because we gag every time we see them hold hands.

We don't pick up the phone call because we know, they're gonna talk about their partner and how amazing things are - when all u can think of is how much you don't wanna hear about it.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm not matured enough. I should get used to the fact that we're getting older, and finding partners is an important part of growing up. That wanting to find the missing piece of your heart is nature's way of showing that we're entering adulthood.

I just miss those days when you're "friends forever". But now it seems like you're "friends forever, at least until one of us gets married".

But hey, whatever happened to 'I'm happy when you're happy'? Aren't we supposed to be happy that our friends are happier that way? We should be. 

And we will. I'm in the process of accepting that maybe relationship isn't the enemy here, maybe it's me.

We shouldn't let our fear of losing the friendship change us in a way that we start building a wall between our friends and us. We should see that a relationship as an extension to our circle of friends, that our friend's partner is also a friend of ours. And if our friend loves him/her that much, maybe we should put in more effort to at least be happy for them.

I have no idea why I'm crapping about this at such hours. Sucks to be you for reading it till this far. Hahaha.

I promise I'll update more. Until later, then. 

XOXO

Monster

When we were kids, our parents had to convince us that there are no monsters in our closets, or ogres under our beds. We were told that there is nothing to be afraid of and that we're perfectly safe and sound.

But nobody warned us of a different kind of monster. 

Are we ever safe from the monster, within?

Turn back time back into my primary school years and anybody who knew me back way back then can tell you that I was not the same person I am today. Shy, socially awkward and a geek - I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in school.

I get teased a lot when I was younger. Teased for my skin colour, the way I look, the way I talked, or walked or smiled - you name it. That lead to me being shy. For a long time, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was convinced that I was ugly. And to compensate, I had to be funny. So that's how I get friends. I was always the funny one, the smart one. And for a while, I was comfortable with that title. 

But then I grew up, and with new circles of friends I became much more confident. I was a late bloomer and soon I was comfortable in my own skin. And with that newfound confidence, I began to change.

This is not the story of how I was bullied and how I managed to rise above it.

That was just the beginning.

This is the story of how I became the bully.

Forward a few years later, when I was 15, there was a new kid in school. Let's call him A. And like all new students, he tried desperately to fit in. However, his method was awkward. HE was awkward. And weird. So it's no surprise, he wasn't getting any attention. I knew A back from primary school, though. He got transferred after that but he came back. So naturally, A treated me like his old friend.

But I was mean. When in front of him I would be nice and friendly, I would talk bad about him behind his back. In front of my friends, I make fun of the way he walked, the way he talked and the way he look. Sounds familiar? I did to him the exact same thing people used to do to me. But I was worse. While the kids in primary school wasn't doing it to be mean, I was. 

I paid the ultimate price of being confident, I became a monster. With every chance I can get, my friends and I constantly made fun of him and laugh at his failed attempts to be one of us. It wasn't my proudest moment, I admit. But at that time, I was enjoying myself. Finally the tables have turned, I have friends and somebody else didn't.

And then one day, A messaged me on Myspace. He said some things that I couldn't remember. Possibly my head blocked the memory out, but he said something that annoyed me. I couldn't remember what he said but I remember what I replied.

I told him that he was a loser, straight to his face (not literally, through Myspace.) I told him how he had no friends and how he should look into the mirror and realize how awkward he really looked like. I told him that nobody liked him, and he was just making a fool out of himself.

And i turned off my computer. 

That night, I got a call from my friend, A got into a car accident.

A died.

I swear to God, at that time, it felt like the whole universe had stopped. I could hear my friend still talking on the phone but I didn't care. I hung up and I fell on my knees and cried. I cried huge sobbing tears and I was gasping for air. And all I could think about was how it was my fault. Somehow, I killed him. I just knew.

I waited for someone to call me back and tell me how it was just a joke. A cruel joke, I wouldn't care. But that call never came.

That night, a part of me died with him.

The next morning was his funeral. I went to his house and there he was, his body covered with white cloths and his body was laid in the living room. His mom, whom I was very close to, asked me if I wanted to see him for the last time. I couldn't say no, but I was scared. The cloth that was covering his face was lifted and I see the boy I once knew. I see myself. I see a misunderstood boy, I see a lonely person. 

His mother turned to me and said 'If he had done any sins unto you, please find in your heart the courage to forgive him."

I cried. I wanted to tell his mom that I was the one who should ask for forgiveness, that I was the one who had sinned. I wanted to tell his mom everything that I had done. I wanted to confess that I wasn't the person she thought I was. I am a fake. A fraud. A monster.

But what I told his mom instead was that A had no sins with me. And I left.

We went to the mosque to pray for A and soon to a grave site where he was buried. Everything passed as a blur. 

That night, when i turned on my computer, I saw that A had replied the message I sent him, just hours before the accident.

He said: I am sorry that you feel that way. I want to make it up to you, please can we talk about this? Can we hang out sometime?

It didn't make sense. I was so mean to him. Why?

I guess I would never find out why. A died not knowing that I am sorry. He died before I could ever have the chance of telling him that the reason I was so mean to him was because I see so much of myself inside him. So much so that he reminded me of how much a loser I thought I was. I hated him, because I hated myself.

Dear readers, sometimes a bully can be a huge, muscular man who pushes you around.

But most of the time, a bully looks just like you and me. Bullies who hurt people not by their physical actions, but by words. Bullies who were bullied themselves at one point. A forced participant in the never-ending cycle of revenge.

We've heard of stories of people who are bullied, but almost never people who bully. This is my story, my regrets and my mistakes.

This is the ghost that haunts me every night. 

This is my monster in the closet.

I cannot ask you to not judge me. I deserve every bit of scrutiny and judgment and hate. But if you are anything like me, I am asking you to stop. Don't do the same mistakes as I did. 

The reason I'm so outspoken about bullying is because I knew firsthand how deadly it can be for the victims and for the bully themselves.

If you're thinking of making fun of anyone, stop yourself. You will hurt that person more than you think. And you will hurt yourself more than you care to admit.

Goodnight.

Little Miss Naughty

Dear Jasmine, 

I wish I could be there to send you off to Canada. You'll be leaving Malaysia tonight. And you won't come back for a long time. I won't get the chance to see you for one last time before you leave. But that's okay. 

Dear Jasmine,

Wanna know how much you affect me? Well, let's just put it this way - if we had never met, I wouldn't be me. I would be a panda. No... haha kidding. That was a joke. Everyone knows I would be a unicorn. A majestic unicorn with majestic rainbow tail. Ok, I should stop. People are getting jealous.

Remember how we met? No, me neither. Haha. Remember when you were taller than me? No, me neither. Hahahaha. Okay I'm getting annoying. 

*SeriousModeOn*

Remember when we were kids, and I was the quite one and you were... well... you. But you were always kind. I don't mean it in a cheesy way. You were always there for people. You were always smiling. And believe in or not, there was this one point in my life that I asked God to make me as outgoing as you. You were an inspiration. No, wait... still is. I don't know how you do it but you can give the biggest smile even when I know you just wanna cry. You can make people laugh even when I know you're feeling like a mess. 

It's amazing how we get so close in just a few years. We started really talking when we're 16 and the rest was history. Having you in our class was a blessing. I cannot handle being the only good looking person in the class. haha. My highschool days wudn't be as awesome without you. Thank you for that.

Dear Jasmine,

We may not share everything with each other, but that does not mean it's due to the lack of trust. It seems that we communicate not by speech, but through our hearts. (Oh man, this is getting cheesy. haha). We don't always tell each other when we're down or sad or something... but we always sorta know. And we don't always try to solve each other's problem, but instead we cheered each other up and we let each other know that we'll always be there. That's the magic of our friendship.

I will never forget you, Jasmine. You're a huge chapter in my book of life. A piece that completes the intricate puzzle of my personality. The right atrium to my heart. (I'm revising my medical terms as I blog - multitasking is my thang~). 

Do take care. I know it's silly asking you to take care as you're the bravest, smartest person I know. Enjoy your time over there. And once in a while, let's Skype :) Go meet a lot of Canadian men and drool over them (Or canadian women, whatever floats your boat.) Haha. Study smart and don't overwork yourself. 

And please, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact us if you have any problem. We may be thousands of miles apart but that doesn't mean we can't help each other out. 

Last but not least, thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for staying true to yourself. Thank you for making me feel comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for your wise words. Thank you for your support.

Thank you for being my best friend.

Best friend forever? That's not a statement. That's a promise.

And just to make you cry a little more, here are some of the pictures you'll definitely miss :P

Remember this? This was one of my first profile picture in facebook. And youre in it. That's how much i love you tau!

Together, we'll touch the sky <3

We've shared laughter...

Discussed philosophies...

We had our arguments...

But the argument never last long, because photo time wud always be around the corner.

Here's to an ever-lasting friendship.

You're our Little Miss Naughty <3

Your most good-looking friend, AB. 

Of Being Just Friends

Everyone talks about being Friendzoned. How much it hurts... how embarassing it can get... how pathetic you can feel. In fact, what scares us the most about confessing our real feelings to our friends-who-we-want-to-be-more-than-just, is the infamous phrase:

"I think we're better off as just friends".

Because we don't wanna be JUST friends. We can't sleep, we can't eat and we can't stand knowing that THAT person you love is just a touch away but you can't have them the way you wanna have them. 

So, you see, above all people, i know how it feels...

But no one talks about being the person who does the friendzone. The friendzone-r. The 'bad' guy.

No one talks about how hard it is having to say to your bestfriend, 'I don't like you LIKE that'. No one seems to care that as much as the person who is friendzoned is hurt, the person who friendzones is in deep pain too. It seems less tragic, less pitiful... but the pain is real.

So when you told me you like me, i already knew. It was obvious but I was hoping that I was wrong. Our friendship means a lot to me. But no matter how close we are I can't seem to imagine myself liking you that way. So i told you that. Exactly that. I told you how much you mean to me, how much i dont want our friendship to end just because a higher level of relationship is impossible. 

You said okay. You said we'll still be friends. You said things wouldn't be awkward. I believed you. I was glad. I was wrong. 

You removed me from Facebook. Probably blocked my number and I never heard from you again. 

You literally became somebody that I used to know.

Sometimes you hurt people because they hurt you back. But what you did to me is far worse then what I did to you.

Dear readers,

Yes sure it hurts knowing the person you love can never love you back the same way. But it hurts even more knowing that your friendship doesn't mean anything if it doesn't lead to the next level. That the friendship can be thrown away if it can't be used as a ladder for something more. That the friendship is just a 'tool'.

Yes sure it hurts knowing you will never get what you WANT . But it hurts even more knowing that you just lost what you NEED.

Ladies and gentlemen, I did not write this post to brag about how I'm the cool one who refused a relationship. Nor to make myself seem like a saint. 

I write this to tell u that people who are Friendzoned aren't the victim. Nobody is. I write this to tell you that when someone tells you that they think you guys are better off as friends - most of the time, they f*cking mean it. They dont just say it to 'escape' or to use that as an excuse.

Im not saying you shouldn't friendzone people. Im just saying that you can't choose who you love. And you can't make someone love you.

Im not saying there's a lot more fishes in the ocean. I know how it feels to want that ONE fish.

Im saying these things happen and one day you'll find out that the things that you want aren't the things that you need.

Goodnight. 

The Do's and Dont's in Taking SPM results.

I remember when it was my time to take my SPM results, roughly 2 years ago. I got a lot of tips, mostly bullshits I didn't listen to anyway. I hear a lot of what people have got to say about it, what people say i should do and what i shouldn't do and yadidi yadada blablabla.

But honestly, they were not being honest. 

So here I am writing about the real deal of taking any HUGE examination's results. SPM, in particular, because the result will be out tomorrow.

DO be nervous.
You will get a lot of 'Oh dont be nervous, sweetie-pie! You'll do great!' from family members. Whenever people say that to you, just smile and nod and continue on being nervous. Why? Because you're supposed to! It is okay to be nervous. I was scared shitless when i had to take mine. But there is a thin line separating being nervous from having a nervous breakdown. Keep yourself physically calm, but do not force yourself to kill those butterflies in your stomach or force your legs to stop shaking. Enjoy the momentary buzz of being nervous. It's half the fun. :)

DO NOT. Be a douchebag and say this following phrases to your friends:

'Oh why are you worrying? You'll surely get straight A's! You're smart!'

'You're worried? What about me? I'm the one who should be worrying about the results! Not you! I'm not smart like YOU!'

'Oh come on, you'll surely be the top-scorer!'

No matter how smart your friends are, do not belittle their nervousness or their worries by saying that they will surely do great. I know your intentions are good but this will only do more harm than good. You can talk all you want about the results AFTER getting it. 

DO NOT, if you are a senior, tell your juniors who are getting the results that SPM results are not important. Here's why: They are important. 

It may not determine how well you do in university - yes that is true. But it is important! Do not belittle your juniors efforts of trying their damnest in the exam. You remember when it was your time getting the results? At that moment, getting good results WAS important for you. It's the one thing you wanna do good more than anything in the world. Just because it won't be important later, does not mean it was never important in the first place.

Omg how many times did i use the word 'important'?

DO cry. If you have to. If you want to. Cry if you're happy or if you're sad. Just cry.After getting the results, a huge surge of emotion will tackle you like a sumo-wrestler and even the toughest of us cry. There's nothing shameful about it. 

DO take your time in cooling down. For those who got a result that you are disappointed with, you should take time in cooling down. I know a lot of people will be asking 'Hey what's your result?' and you may not necessarily want to tell them. You can either say gently that you don't wanna tell them or just smile and tell them anyway (but only if they're your friends. If they're some random busybody douchebags then by all means punch them in the face. I'm kidding. Haha. No im not.)

DO thank the teachers. Please, it's the least you could do. Be it your results are as good as you expected or aren't. Be nice, courteous and do smile when you thank your teachers. They have done so much to you. And while MOST teachers will ask you how is your result, do not be offended. They ask because they care (some by reflex) and teachers are people who love you no matter how well you did in the exams. Trust me. 

DO remember that there is no such thing as a BAD result. Your parents may think there is, your douchebag friends may think there is - but no. With whatever results you've got, remember there are always ways for you to make it in the next level.

DO NOT take a whole lot of time thinking how you should've/could've done better in your exam. Sure, you probably didn't have to play video games a week before the exam, you shouldn't had drunk coffee and pull an all-nighter a day before - but what's done is done. Don't dwell on it for too long. You have to keep moving.  

DO celebrate. But don't do it like it's the end of the world. Remember that your journey has not ended and there are more challenges to come. But do have fun. You deserve it. 

DO NOT get thick-headed. For those who did exceptionally well, do not be arrogant and think that you don't have to try as hard the next time any exam comes. Keep the momentum going. Just because you did great in SPM, doesn't mean you'll do well in University. I learned that the hard way. And be reminded that SPM results are based on the graph of results. Meaning the average will somewhat get a C so it depends on the total result of the entire nation. Don't get to cocky if you get an A. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're smart, it just means you're above average. 

DO, however, congratulate yourself for getting an A. I say don't get too cocky, doesn't mean you should start thinking that you don't deserve it. You deserve it. You got it for a reason. Pat yourself at the back. 

The thing is that I wish I had someone telling me this when I was getting my results. But I had to learn it the hard way. It's okay to think that your SPM results is the most important thing RIGHT NOW. But keep in mind that ultimately, it is just a stepping stone to something far greater in your future. 

All the best, beautiful people.